Adopting an Older Child

Adopting an older child

I often hear families express doubt as to their ability to parent an older adopted child. I found the following article from NCFA, Preparation and Support for Older Child Adoptions: NCFA Survey and Conference Feedback, Y: JAMEL ROWE, WITH MELISSA BLAUVELT AND RHONDA JAREMA, to contain valuable insights and suggestions.


What should I expect?

You should know that once your child comes home, they are carrying lots of history with them.  Some trauma, abuse or neglect are normal. Older children are going to carry with them a lot more than a younger child typically would.  Parenting these older children will not necessarily come easily but the experience will be so rewarding.

       ***Tip*** "Empathy, understanding the thoughts and feelings of another, is a learned skill, and grows only through consistent practice and follow-through.   It is an especially important skill for adoptive parents to acquire."  "First understanding, then meeting the needs of their children"

What might my child be feeling?

Older children in adoption are going to have a whirlwind of emotions.  It needs to be understood that they might be feeling shame, or angered.  These feelings can arise from hurt and grief that they might have experienced.

          ***Tip*** "By accepting the inevitability of having to work through some degree of attachment issues with their older adopted child, parents will be better prepared to seek the time and patience needed to parent a child while us simply waiting to see if she is loved before loving her parents back".


How can I work through what my child is going through?

-Make sure you have support.  Families often rely on post-adoption support.  You might be in a support group during the pre-adoption, but it is said to be helpful to either continue in the same group after adoption or finding support else where such as a licensed therapist depending on what you and your family may personally need.  Know that every family and case is different and what works for some families might not be right for yours but there are so many different options that are available to you. "Dr. Arthur Becker Weldman, an attachment therapist, believes that there are two characteristics common in successful adoptive families: Commitment and Empathy".


Advice:
1. Access therapy and ongoing support
2. Recognize that love is not enough
3. Know that adjustment, attachment, and bonding might take years

Full Article

Drafted by Brittany Alness, staff member of the Law Offices of Karen S. Law, PLC.
Disclaimer

This web site and the information contained within have been prepared by Law Offices of Karen S. Law, PLC for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. This information is not intended to create, nor does receipt of it constitute an attorney-client relationship. Viewers should not act upon information found here without seeking legal counsel. All photographs shown on this blog are depictions of clients and are not actual clients of this law firm. Copyright Karen S. Law, 2015.

VA Passes Law to Prevent "Re-homing" or Unregulated Child Custody Transfers

Re-homing or Unregulated Child Custody Transfers is a hot topic today.  Who can forget the story of the woman who sent her seven year old adopted child back to Russia on a place because she could not parent him?  The Reuters article depicted situations where adopted children were placed informally with child predators without the proper legal processes or vetting of the second family. 

Most adoptions are successful and the child and adoptive family blend to create a new whole. However, this is a process which takes time and expertise.  Too often, families who adopt older children in particular experience unique challenges and receive little support.  Without this support, we sometimes see desperate families seeking alternative placements for their adopted children which are not likely to be successful and may actually be dangerous to the child. The family may be charged with child abandonment and the child will not have services which are critically important to make the transition into the new family. 

In 2014 and 2015, states have passed a number of laws to prevent these unregulated secondary adoption processes. Colorado, Florida and Wisconsin laws ban "advertising" of adopted children over the internet.  In Louisiana and Oklahoma, if a family places an adopted child with a second family without legal oversight, they face criminal charges.  

Virginia has taken a creative approach by encouraging adoptive families in crisis to seek help before they consider placing their adopted child in an unregulated way.  The new Virginia law provides that when  the Division of Vital Records issues a post adoption birth certificate, they must supply a list of post adoption support services to the individual family. Vital Records must update the list annually and maintain this list on its web-site.



View the law here

The hope is that families who are struggling will know where to turn to seek helpful services like respite care, adoption competent counseling, and support groups in their communities. We encourage families who are struggling to seek help from their adoption agencies and adoption attorneys to move forward in healthy ways.

Drafted by Brittany Alness, staff member of the Law Offices of Karen S. Law, PLC.
Disclaimer

This web site and the information contained within have been prepared by Law Offices of Karen S. Law, PLC for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. This information is not intended to create, nor does receipt of it constitute an attorney-client relationship. Viewers should not act upon information found here without seeking legal counsel. All photographs shown on this blog are depictions of clients and are not actual clients of this law firm. Copyright Karen S. Law, 2014.

Making Adoption Affordable 2015

Making Adoption Affordable

Federal Tax Credit

There is help available.  The federal Adoption Tax Credit provides up to $13,400 for qualifying expenses paid to adopt an eligible child in 2015.  The credit is indexed for inflation and will increase annually.  Eligible expenses include adoption fees, court costs, attorney fees, traveling expenses (including amounts spent for meals and lodging) and other expenses directly related to your adoption.  There is an income limit for this credit. See www.irs.gov, for the forms and additional information.                      

Corporate Matching Gifts

Further, many large employers offer adoption assistance.  See htttp://benefits.adoption.com/ for a list of employers.  Those payments may qualify for exclusion from your income for tax purposes in addition to the federal tax credit.  You may exclude up to $13,400 from your income in 2015.  So, for example, if your employer offers adoption assistance payments of $5,000 and your total adoption related expenses were $18,400, you could claim $13,400 as a tax credit AND exclude $5,000 from your income.  However, if your total expenses were $13,400, you could not take the credit and the exclusion-the same expenses cannot be counted twice.  The income limits for the tax credit also apply to the exclusion.

Subsidy for Full Time Military Personnel

There is a one-time reimbursement program available for full-time military personnel of $2,000 per child per calendar year, with a cap of $5,000.  The service member applies for the reimbursement by submitting a DD Form 2675 no later than one year after the adoption is final.  You cannot claim expenses that were reimbursed through the Federal Tax Credit or a Corporate Matching Grant.  See http://www.dfas.mil/militarymembers/payentitlements/adoptionreimbursement.html.  A recent change of policy permits a military member adopting a step-child to claim reimbursement.

Adoption Loans and Grants

Adoption Loans can be obtained from Americas Christian Credit Union or Entrust Financial Credit Union, among other financial service providers.  Additionally, a number of foundations provide grants with specific eligibility criteria.

Adoption Subsidies and Financial Aid for Adopting an Older Child

If you adopt a special needs child or a child from foster care, the cost is usually less.  A monthly adoption subsidy is often available to help pay for everyday expenses and special services such as remedial educational services, physical therapy and medical care.  You may also take the entire amount of the federal tax credit even if you don’t incur those costs.

There are two methods of adopting an older child: you may apply to become a foster parent through your local public agency.  If the child becomes free for adoption and there are no approved relatives, you would have first priority to adopt that child.  Alternatively, you can apply to adopt an older child through a private agency.  Adoptions Together, Catholic Charities and United Methodist Family Services have private programs.  These children are already free for adoption.  The cost of the private programs is slightly more than the public programs.  However, it is still significantly less expensive than any other form of adoption.

The Twelve Commandments of Parenting Older Adopted Children

Children who are older when adopted are at heightened risk of disruption or dissolution.  They bring life experiences and trauma to the family which have to be navigated carefully.  However, it is possible for an older adoptee integrate into the new family. Dr. Gary Matloff, a licensed psychologist and nationally certified school psychologist, wrote an insightful article entitled, "The Twelve Commandments of Parenting Older Adopted Children" which provides some solutions for this process. Note that not all twelve commandments will be mentioned in the blog, just the ones we wanted to highlight.  There is a link at the bottom if you wish to read the entire article.



Abandonment should never be threatened 

                                       -It only reinforces fear and non-acceptance, and leads to the child's mindset                                            of "I'll reject you first".  These children challenge their parents not because                                       they want to leave, but because they want their parents to prove they are wanted.

Embrace Structure

                                       - Having a consistent routine provides the child with security and                                                           predictability.  If the rules are firmly in place, the child can begin to alter                                               his/her behavior.

Maintain honesty in all their relations with their child

                                       -Authentic relationships between people must be anchored by genuineness                                             and sincerity.  When you remain open and honest with your child they                                                   subsequently maintain their integrity and trustworthiness. Being realistic is a                                         must, as they will hold you to whatever you say.  They have experienced                                           disappointment so you must be careful of making unrealistic promises.

Check back

                                        -Often an older child will have a difficult time feeling like they are a part of                                           the family. It is important that you beat them to the emotional punch. Take                                           the initiative, rather than just expect there will be some sort of                                                           acknowledgement.  Parents should develop a ritual of hugs, a wave and  a last                                               look whenever there is separation from the child.

Time-in rather than Time-out

                                       -A time in might mean the child sits at the kitchen table while you cook, or                                            must do chores instead of being sent to their room.  Being isolated from the                                          parent reinforces their feelings of being rejected.

Pick your battles

                                     - Refrain from making an issue over something that cannot or does not need to                                      be controlled.

Keep it in perspective

                                 -Children's behavior shouldn't be taken personally, even when addressed                                                  specifically to the parent.

Forgive and Forget

                                -When the conflict is over, it is essential to forgive and forget.  Forgetting is                                         important in order to simply move on.

Link to Full Article

Drafted by Brittany Alness, staff member of the Law Offices of Karen S. Law, PLC.
Disclaimer

This web site and the information contained within have been prepared by Law Offices of Karen S. Law, PLC for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. This information is not intended to create, nor does receipt of it constitute an attorney-client relationship. Viewers should not act upon information found here without seeking legal counsel. All photographs shown on this blog are depictions of clients and are not actual clients of this law firm. Copyright Karen S. Law, 2014.

Adoption....From the eyes of a child

When adopting a child, there is always so much excitement, happiness and energy that surround the process.  Dreams come true, people become parents, and children gain a stable and loving family.  What is often overlooked is the child's perspective.

We have to go into adoption knowing that we need to focus primarily on the child's perspective.  Of course, being adopted is a big change in the child's life.  He will hopefully receive lots of love, new extended family members for support, and a sense of security and stability through the adoption. But, we need to understand that there is no happy way to get to the point of adoption. Every child's adoption has a back-story, and that back-story includes loss and grief.  The reasons that the child was available for adoption will be complex and the child may struggle with feelings of abandonment and rejection.  If the child is originally from a different country, there is the extra layer of loss of his larger cultural community and customs. We must be sensitive to this grief and loss and try to understand so that we know how to help our adopted child through the hard times he has faced in his life. The child will process these feelings throughout his lifetime and we need to educate ourselves as to how to respond in healthy and affirming ways.  We also need to know about post adoption support resources in our community that can bring a larger world view and context to the adoption experience for the child.  

Below is a two-part link that will lead you to a story from a young adopted woman's perspective.  Kristina is an unusual young woman who seems at peace with her adoption experience.  We know that every adoption story is unique and we hope you enjoy reading about Kristina's journey.

Http://hopeathomeblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/adopted-childs-perspective-on-adoption.html

http://hopeathomeblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/adopted-childs-perspective-kristina.html

Drafted by Brittany Alness, staff member of the Law Offices of Karen S. Law, PLC.

Disclaimer This blog and the information contained within have been prepared by Law Offices of Karen S. Law, PLC for informational purposes only and do not constitute legal advice. This information is not intended to create, nor does receipt of it constitute an attorney-client relationship. Viewers should not act upon information found here without seeking legal counsel. All photographs shown on this web-site are depictions of clients and are not actual clients of this law firm. Copyright Karen S. Law, 2015

Adoption Law: Start to Finish

Adoption Law: Start to Finish

Sign up for this live seminar on January 27, 2015 for 9am-4:30pm!

Location:

Hilton Garden Inn Fairfax3950 Fair Ridge Dr.Fairfax, VA 22033 

Program Description

Ensure a Smooth Path to a New Life

Adoption is an emotional process for all the parties involved. Are you prepared to assist and guide your clients through this highly emotional time in their lives? Whether you represent the birth parents or the adoptive parents, our faculty will update you on the latest adoption laws, help you understand various procedures and requirements, and give you the background you need to handle adoption cases without unnecessary delays, ethical problems, or surprises. Enroll today!

• Get all the adoption assistance available for your clients, including tax credits and allowable expenses.
• Advise wisely on the differences between licensed agencies and facilitators.
• Find out what the judges are looking for in the adoption process.
• Get practical tips for home study investigations in domestic and intercountry adoptions.
• Ensure clients are adhering to the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children.
• Find out how the latest Supreme Court cases and adoption decisions are likely to affect your future cases.
• Avoid problems when dealing with U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services when adopting an international child by knowing what to expect ahead of time.
• Prepare for problems such as third-party challenges and dissolution of adoption.
• Advise clients knowledgeably with an understanding of current adoption law.
• Tackle sensitive ethical issues and other problems that are unique in adoption situations.

Who Should Attend

This basic-to-intermediate level seminar is designed for professionals who want to learn more about adoption laws and proceedings. Those who should attend include:

• Attorneys
• Paralegals
• Adoption Agency Employees
• Social Workers
• Counselors

Course Content

1. Introduction: Overview of Adoption Options
2. Parental Placement Adoptions
3. Home Study Investigations
4. Agency Adoptions
5. What the Judges are Looking for
6. Interstate Adoptions and Federal Legislation
7. Supreme Court Cases and Adoption Decisions
8. Intercountry Adoption
9. Contested Adoptions
10. Ethics

Click on the link below to register today!

http://www.nbi-sems.com/Details.aspx/R-67843ER%7C?ctname=SPKEM

National Adoption Month

Happy National Adoption Month!

In case you didn’t know, November is National Adoption Awareness Month! The first major effort to raise awareness of adoption was in 1976 in Massachusetts. It started as just as a week but then, in 1990, it became a month long celebration.

               

During this month, the nation, states, and communities celebrate this positive way to build families.  There are many events planned throughout the month such as judicial ceremonies, dinner recognitions and banquets.  The Loudoun Chapter of the Virginia Women Attorneys Association and the Loudoun County Department of Family Services sponsors National Adoption Day here in Loudoun where families who are formed through adoption are recognized each year.  I am proud to co-chair this recognition ceremony. It is such a joyous and remarkable celebration seeing how these families have been formed. Many times, the children has been through a long and difficult journey of abandonment, abuse or neglect.  The foster parents have worked with social workers and counselors to bring healing and wholeness.  Then, as the legal process is complete and the foster parents adopt the child during the National Adoption Day ceremony, it brings tears to the eyes of the professionals in the courtroom to see the formation of a forever family after years of struggle.  

Other adoptive families at Loudoun Adoption Day have different stories.  The adoption could be that of a stepparent who has acted as the real parent for many years.  It is a joyous moment to see the big smile on the child's face as that reality is recognized by the law and the child receives the same last name as the rest of the family.

Even if you haven't adopted, you can celebrate National Adoption Month in November.  It doesn't have to be elaborate-- it could be something simple such as renting a DVD that portrays adoption in a positive light. Some suggestions from Adoptive Families Magazine are: Meet the Robinsons, The Tigger Movie, Despicable Me, Moonrise Kingdom or, as the holidays are approaching, Elf.

Adoption is such a a wonderful way to build a family and we all know people who have adopted or been adopted. It should be honored, acknowledged, and celebrated. Every adoption has its own special and unique story. 

Drafted by Brittany Alness, staff member of the Law Offices of Karen S. Law, PLC.
Disclaimer

This blog and the information contained within have been prepared by Law Offices of Karen S. Law, PLC for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. This information is not intended to create, nor does receipt of it constitute an attorney-client relationship. Viewers should not act upon information found here without seeking legal counsel. All photographs shown on this blog are depictions of clients and are not actual clients of this law firm. Copyright Karen S. Law, 2014.